Men want to be the answer to the question, no big mystery there. The answer helps. The answer isn’t silent. As well, men would like to think they give women everything they need, just as she picks up the phone to schedule time with her friends or to simply talk on the phone. Men would like to think they always have the answer, even in circumstances where there is no answer; just frustration from her about a bad day at work. There is a bit of a Superman complex in all of this.

The fact is, women don’t always want an answer–they want an ear. They want someone who hears them and listens to them, two distinct things by the way. From their partner they want these things as well as touch and eye contact. Sometimes they want words and advice but not always! She may be upset or stressed about something that isn’t related to the relationship and brings this something up on a date. I can’t tell you how important it is for men to avoid the Superman complex.

Understand your role in the relationship. You are not Superman to your girlfriend or wife’s Lois Lane. If your default view is contrary to this, you will always insist on being the answer, even when there isn’t a question. She will describe a situation and your default reaction cannot be to problem solve. In this, it’s important to know that a man’s tendency to problem solve can often be attributed to his lack of patience. Be patient. Open the door but don’t walk in.

Listen more than you talk. As she is talking, show that you are present in the moment by maintaining eye contact and asking questions about the situation she is describing. Avoid the constant head nod which says nothing more than you are acting like you’re listening. And remember, you are not yet in problem solving mode. As you listen, try and recognize cues that will tell you whether she wants an ear or some advice. Open the door but don’t walk in. Look for cues. Be patient.